Apr

Dating Rant : 4-22-14

It has definitely become a bit of an obsession. Mostly because I have paid attention to it like I have never before. Love. I recently decided to ACTUALLY start dating. I used to entertain the idea of going on a date with someone but would always chicken out or somehow sabotage the conversation myself with excuses. It wasn’t like it was hundreds of guys or even more than 10. I wasn’t on anything that actually was putting me out there as ‘available’ until I started on a gay social/dating (somewhat of a sex searching) app called Jack’d where you create a profile on you phone. Cliff Notes on the App: you get 3 pictures and 2 locked ones (for the nekid ones) and you have a detailed bio if you choose to share yourself and you get to see who around you has a profile also. It’s a pretty popular app in the gay community. I also have gotten on Tinder for the sake of seeing what it was about and it’s actually a fun little app to kill some time.

But I digress. This convoluted idea of what I think I want began with a conversation with a boy. It all starts off great and we automatically have something we bond over (us watching RuPauls drag race and being big fans). Convos going good for about an hour….Then this happens:

boy: any other pics? (p.s. this question is out of nowhere)
me: for example?
boy: oh thats up to you
me: lol well my insta has the g rated pictures @thegabrielzamora
boy: and the pg-xxx?

I don’t really like being looked at in just a sexual manner. I get it. Everyone now a days (except for me) is having sex left and right and thats the new norm. But….can you at least get to know me for me? Im not tooting my own horn, but I know the I have recently started coming into ‘my looks’ you can say. So I have been getting a different kind of attention from the boys boys boys. Its different for me. I’m really not used to it. My lack of a dating/sex life is of course to blame. But its also my pure idea of what dating and love is.

I’m a hopeless romantic and believe that i can fall in love at a coffee shop. Its foolish but its what I know from the fantasy tv and movies paint. My friend tells me that I’m a bit foolish too. That I have to start dating to experience all the stuff that I have to experience. I’m coming to realize that when dating, 1 out of 10 will be a potential guy. i find that to be annoying and a waste of time. but ill play the game. Correct me if I’m wrong though but why cant I just meet mr. right….right now?

My friends partner told me ‘your too young and inexperience to fall in that kind of love right now’….and maybe he’s right…? I think I’m just over that fact that I haven’t met anyone thats worth going into a 3rd date with. No one ever shows this part in the movies and shows. That sometimes you have to go on these 1 or 2 dates with randoms that becomes nothing. I’m learning, I’m learning. I’m also ranting because I’m sleepy but cant fall asleep. All I’m learning is that:

– I’m not the dating person thats dating to just date, i would for it to become ‘something’

-I’m still a hopeless romantic….but I am getting scared that that kind of life doesn’t exist….for me

I think that Sex in the City is f*****g with my mind. They make love….Romantic, I fall in love with the idea of love. I feel like her on the last episode where she tells her Russian lover :

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-eachother love”

But i guess theres little moments in life that teach you a little something about the world, the kind of boys boys boys there are and about yourself. (i.e. i cant date someone shorter than me….had to learn that from a date)

10 years ago Short URL Comments

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love

Apr

My Make Up

So heres a lovely little post of how i do my make up on a regular basis. Everything is on here minus the brows. Enjoy 🙂

10 years ago Short URL Comments

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Dec

Just babbling…about life

Sometimes while I’m trying to concentrate on a specific task I have to accomplish (usually work or projects for school), I get easily distracted. My mind begins to wander and I feel as though I’m floating through clouds. Right now I’m trying to write a research paper that was due 2 weeks ago (don’t worry, I have a plan so it won’t be ‘late’) and listening to some piano jazz:

Why do I feel as though I NEED a significant other?

I can say I actually broke my mentality to stay single. It’s hard to be single, I think. What’s so amazing about it in the end? Yeah I don’t have to really tell anyone what I’m doing or going to do, I don’t have to deal with drama that I’ve seen some of my friends relationships endure, and plus I get to really focus on myself. You eventually feel lonely. It also doesn’t help that I’m sitting in the ILC building of my school with eye candy wandering around once in a while. But then that starts a whole new question:

What constitutes an attractive person?

I guess that’s when the quote “Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”- Albert Einstein….just kidding. I don’t know who said that, but it’s been so popularized that who knows now a days. But it’s true I guess. What I find attractive might not be to others, which brings up memories of talking to friends about someone I think is GORG, but they seem to think otherwise. I almost wish I could either: be attracted to everyone or no one to help me from this temporary misery I believe I’m experiencing (damn piano jazz is so soothing). Realized, my blogs tend to mostly be about love and my views on it.

I felt relatively lonely a couple of days ago and just wanted that feeling of someone, in a sense, wanting me. Not in a sexual manner, just in an ‘I’m interested in you’ kind of manner. So I created a manhunt account, since I had heard of it several times….but I didn’t know what it was about I soon realized. I created a profile and in step one asks you some basic questions: name, age, height, body type, age and penis inquiries. What kind of website is this? I guess many websites now offer the options of looking for friendships, long-term relationships, short-term and sex, whether it be causal or specific (ooo, I just watched 3 delicious chocolate MEN, not boys, walk down the hall laughing in earth tones while the jazz is playing in my headphones…fun imagery with sound). But that’s not what I’m looking for right now. I’m still a virgin and plan on losing it to someone I’m in love with. Plus, that website went into SPECIFICS with the kind of sex you might be looking for and the advertisements on the side were hardcore pornography. Then after going through a friend’s okcupid account, I thought ‘this looks like fun’. So I created an account there as well, and it had some sexual questions as well but not as detailed or seemingly important as the other. This one goes into depth as to what you’re looking for and who you are mentally. But even then I realized that my mind and what I think hinders me.

I babble a lot. I just want to be content with loneliness, or with the relationships I have now with friends and family. I think humans just like companionship, whether they be sexual, physical, spiritual, emotional, or mental. Fak. I need to stop writing or else I won’t finish my paper, ugh. I’m gonna delete those accounts, I’m probably not ready to date right now.

12 years ago Short URL Comments

Love/What I Think

Jun

Do you need someone else to exist?

If you make a sound and there is no one around to care, then do you exist? Sometimes I wonder how people need that kind of attention to feel significant or feel like they are someone because they’re wanted or can feel attractive. My experiences: 1 three-week “relationship” which I consider just a fling, made out with 5 guys, and flirted a bit when I’m drunk, not when I’m sober. So I haven’t really had that full on attention that people have had with REAL relationships. So I still once again am ignorant to this matter in life.

I have had plenty of friends and have met plenty of people who are like that. They can’t just live their lives and focus on themselves without having someone there. They can’t just let things and situations be. I believe that karma punishes and rewards. If they do you wrong with the intention to do so, then they have it coming their way, but if the hurt came out of accident then it’s not their fault. I don’t know, I’m weird because I’m a STRONG believer in karma. Don’t get me wrong, attention from the sex that you’re attracted to is great, it boosts your self-esteem and you feel better. But don’t let that define your life.

It’s taken a long time for me to get to the point where I am feeling comfortable in my skin and confident to an extent. I don’t feel like a million bucks stepping out the door, but I feel comfortable to look presentable and love what I’m wearing…..unless I’m running late and look a hot mess lol. But I hope I’m not that kind of guy, which needs the attention. To just let things be, if you hurt me then you hurt me, I’m done with it. Hopefully that is me.

Life Update: I got approved for a credit card at shell federal credit union, so I’m so excited. Today was a productive day, and school is about to start on the 6^th. I feel like this month is gonna be interesting and different than the last 5. Hopefully

13 years ago Short URL Comments

Living Life/Love/What I Think

Jun

Can your legs be open but not your heart?

I hung out with a friend I truly adore today, Jane Doe. Jane can make me laugh with many of the things she says and does. We talked about her life and current relationship status. So it got me to thinking, can your legs be open but not your heart? By no means is she a whore or anything of that nature, but she is ‘doing stuff’ with 2 different people as of now. She isn’t sleeping around with everyone, she is classy…..on the down low. But she had me thinking about having sex with someone with no strings attached. I haven’t seen the movie so I can’t really reference it. But is that possible? My title refers to doing something so intimate without any emotional attachment.

Okay so many people do this on regular basis (I suppose), hooking up with others without the emotional attachment there needed to do so, or hooking up with others….plenty of others. But can you only do it a handful of times before that attachment happens? Since I’m still a virgin I can’t fathom the idea of doing that just yet if I were to ever do it. It’s a bit weird to me, I’m not judging by no means, but isn’t there a point where feelings begin to grow? We’re human beings, were built to care…right? Maybe you must have multiple partners to keep the emotions at bay so they don’t get in the way. I adore my friend and hey, to each their own, everyone lives their life differently and since I’m gay I just don’t really judge as much. But how does that work?!

It’s because I haven’t had sex or been in a relationship or anything really (other than an intense make out session with my only 3 week relationship….summer fling maybe???) that I can’t FULLY understand this concept. I think that after a while you would grow emotions, but Jane said that she is keeping her distance with them due to the fact that she doesn’t want to get attached because she doesn’t actually want to be with them (mostly because they don’t have A LOT going for them). So that brings me to the topic of: having an intimate connection with someone who you wouldn’t actually be with.

I’m still that pure wholesome minded guy that thinks that I would have to want to be with someone to do something with them (it’s that virgin mind of me talking). Do people have JUST mess around partners that the messing around with is amazing but because they’re not they’re relationship type that they wouldn’t be in an actual relationship with them? Like one of Jane’s “friends” is fun to mess around with and I bet she loves the attention but he has 2 kids, 1 on the way, has a not so amazing job, has no car and isn’t going to college. First off, I wouldn’t have touched that because of the 3 kids lol (I told her, and plus no car….wtf, is this 9^th grade?). So she keeps her distance so she doesn’t get attached, but HE might be getting a bit attached. So I wonder if people can really put their feelings aside, and if so for how long? I can put feelings aside when you ask me a question and want a real response, but I don’t know when it comes to that kind of situation.

I adore Jane, and I repeat: I’M NOT JUDGING, but I don’t understand, I’m ignorant to this subject of keeping feelings aside when it comes to something so intimate. Maybe in a couple of years when I have experienced that aspect of life I will have a different perspective on the subject.

No Love Update: I tried really hard trying not to think about love today and I was pretty good, but damn I almost broke. By that I mean that I almost gave into temptation of seeking some attention, but thankfully I didn’t. I just stayed home, caught up with my T.V. recordings and watched some Netflix. It’s hard but I’m trying to stop thinking about needing someone, being co-dependent. I have met too many people like that, and have had close friends who were like that, and I will NOT be one of them. 🙂

13 years ago Short URL Comments

Love/What I Think

May

Should Love be hard?

Love seems to be a major thing that my mind thinks about, every couple of seconds it pops in my head. Is that just me or is it everyone else as well? Today I’m going to try to keep that out of my mind and try not to even think about it anymore, like my junior year in high school. I used to be so good at not paying any mind to the idea of it, since i was so caught up with school. But on my last post i had the mind-set that love was easy. It’s apperantly not since I’ve noticed all the drama deal with even though they’re in love. I don’t understand when people deal with B.S. when it comes to love. I understand nothing in life is truly easy, it has to be worked at, i get that. But i don’t feel that love has to be HARD. I would not be dealing with all this B.S. of breaking up and getting back together and breaking up, being on a leash, having no say on what you do without their consent, being lied to or owing them something. If you break up with me or i with you, its done, there’s no ifs, ands or buts in the situation. I’m not gonna play these mind games with someone let alone my heart.

Right now i’ve barely learned how to be selfish, and it feels good, when i’m in a relationship i will cut back on that and communicate with that other person. Communication, to me, is key for a functional relationship. But if i truly want to do something that harms no one and makes me happy, like going to a concert or club with friends for a birthday i’m going to. I don’t understand how one of my friends wasn’t “allowed” to go to a gay club with me even though she’s a girl because her boyfriend “didn’t let her”. Excuse me? No, no one owns me, no one, the only person who could tell me what to do are my parents, that’s it. If i’m in a relationship and they don’t let me then we will talk about it and would want a reasonable explanation, because i would NEVER cheat, so unless they truly just feel uncomfortable and aren’t being those super jealous guys then i’m gonna do it.

I also don’t understand how you owe someone something in a relationship. If you were to cheat on them and you are truly honestly sorry and they forgive you, then its done. It’s in the past unless they cheat again. If i were to ever forgive someone for doing so, (which would be extremely rare) i wouldn’t use it against them in the future, like if i mess up then they should forgive me because i forgave them before. Once something is forgiven then it should be left in the past unless there is a need for it to come back up again.

Dont lie to me, just tell me the truth. I feel that I will one day be cheated on, i don’t know why but i just know. When that day comes, i will be single once again. Because i feel that there is nothing you can say to me to change my mind on it, i honestly believe that once a cheater always a cheater in the same relationship. Maybe someone changes in a different relationship, idk. But i couldn’t deal with that, because the trust would be broken and that’s all i would think about. I love myself too much to put myself through that.

I rant too much about the idea of love and I’ve never experienced it. But what i need to be is content with loneliness. Since i’ve never experienced it to know if it exists. I can love my family and friends, infallibly. And that’s all i need right now.

13 years ago Short URL 1 Comment

Diary/Uncategorized

May

I’m scared of….love

I’m scared. For a long time I thought that I was just not ready but today I realized that I’m scared of relationships. A friend made me start to think about it. So for an hour my mind ran rampant with trying to explain it. I’m a virgin, so for me to find someone worth dating is hard. I’m not losing it to someone who I’ve know for only a month, best believe that its going to be a year into the relationship for me to even think about it. I would love to find a someone where that wasn’t a main key in the relationship, but let’s be realistic, I’m a guy and I’m gay which means that I’m attracted to something that’s function is to think about sex every few seconds. I’m now 20 and still a virgin, but 2 years ago I decided not to have sex anytime soon unless I was with someone for a year but didn’t want to be in one. My reason is simple: I’m not ready to be unselfish. Right now what I should be thinking about is what I am thinking about: my future. I’m focusing on school, family, work and friends, so how in the hell am I supposed to squeeze a relationship into the mix when I’m not able to commit myself to my fullest extent. If I’m in a relationship, I want to hang out with the person more than once a week even if we do communicate on a regular basis. Plus watching all my friends’ experiences in relationship has taught me so much. But the reason I am scared is because the idea of a relationship is scary. Part of it is appearance, I’m not saying i think I’m ugly, i have some confidence but i dont think I’m the hottest thing walking this world. I have some confidence stepping out of my house into this world, but I’ve never had the confidence of someone very attractive. i dont usually get hit on, yeah I’ve gotten the occasional internet messages asking me to F**k but i dont take those seriously because they dont want me for….me. I’ve never had someone want to be with me just based on the sole fact that i am myself. Like in the movie “Love and other drugs” where the male character just wants to be with the girl based simply alone because he loves her. In “Easy A” she says that after all the rumors and everything, she had never been asked out on a date. Which is my story, I have never been asked out on a date simply based on the fact that that person can see themselves possibly one day being with me and wanting to be with me. Maybe my ideas of love are unrealistic and this world is just cold and based on sex, but I’ll always have hope. But I’m scared of heartache, I’m scared of getting cheated on, but ultimately I’m scared that i won’t be good enough. That when i give my all to this one man that he will find something better, and ill be left there, with nothing. Cheating is my biggest fear because that means that you dont love me. Why cant love be like love in the movies, simple and amazing. I’ve gotten friends try to hook me up with someone they believe would be a good match to me but i dont even know what it is that i want. Maybe it’s my insecurities that have gotten the best of me, but it’s hard to get rid of these thoughts about myself over night. I am insecure, I’m not the most confident person in the room but man I can fake it, you wont be able to tell that I am insecure. I hate giving into my insecurities and was able to relinquish these thoughts but…..I don’t know. This rant has gone long. But I put these thoughts in the back of my mind because I have a life not needing to complain. I have my health, an amazing mother, my family, a high school diploma, I’m going to college, a job, great friends, a home and live in a country where I could do anything. This day is rare where I go into depth into my love life. But what I will say is that I have hope, maybe sometimes in a stalker-ish way. Every day I go into the world wondering if I will fall in love today, that I can say. I’m optimistic about it. Maybe I’ll run into him at a gas station, star bucks, a red light, walking somewhere, at a park, at the movies (since I only like going by myself lol). So overall my view on relationships has a similar key in it, I’m not ready. I have to be ready mentally to go into one. I hope that the perfect guy is out there for me, that I will bump into him in the most perfect way and we will have a great relationship. Because I am optimistic that there is that one perfect person for everyone, that everyone deserves to feel that kind of love. I don’t usually think anyone truly deserves something unless for specific exceptions. I just hope that I will find him, when I’m ready.

13 years ago Short URL Comments

Diary/Living Life/What I Think

Jan

Hi

I started this blog today, mostly because I think it will be a fun thing to do. Sort of like a window to my life and a way for people to keep up with what I do. I’ll mostly be posting what I did certain days, my views on certain things, and other stuff that interests me. Enjoy I guess.

14 years ago Short URL Comments

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